A Way to Be in The World
You seem happier, one of my girlfriends said during dinner last night. People have been saying this to me a lot lately. In spite of it being true, I always feel like getting defensive, even denying it. They seem to say it so causally, as if happy was something always easily attainable.
I have a lot of reasons to be happy, I always have. I can think of one great big one and two small ones right now. Though my goal has never been for something as simple as happiness. Not to be happy just because there are reasons to be. I wish only to make peace, with or without the things.
At new years, instead of resolutions I made a list of things I’m afraid of. On the first of January I picked the one that scared me the most. Two weeks later I started working with a clairvoyant. I have some fear associated with the term “psychic” so I don’t use it. I’m learning to meditate, clear and release energy in a specific way. I’ve been telling him about my fears. He joked with me the first time I tried to describe it. He said I’ve picked a doozy, said there are no fears bigger than the existential ones. Humor is perhaps the greatest tool in his teaching.
He said now I have a reference point, he pointed to the space between my eyes. I also have fear attached to the term “third eye,” so I call it the center of my head. In meditations I can sit in this space. It’s no longer about getting out of my head like so many methods I’ve practiced before. It’s not a way out. It’s about clearing from the inside, so I can have a way in. I’m finally learning to hold my own space.
The cynic in me is screaming for mercy. Mercy like a safe word. I’m watching my intellect and intuition try to get along. Two kids who would never play together out in the real world.
He was once where I am, repeatedly overwhelmed by the vastness of this thing, the whole nature of existence. He said he always remembers what one of his teachers told him. No matter how big and cosmic your thoughts and experiences are, you still need to find a way to be in the world.