I Can’t Move Because It’s Your Turn

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If you could pick a board game to describe your life, what would it be? There was a group of us up late, still sitting at the table. One of the guys said Sorry, another said Monopoly. Someone else said Twister. It was a fun conversation. I said Jenga. With Jenga you have to work with the law of gravity. My life is a tower of tiny wooden pieces, I said, one wrong move and the whole thing crumbles at my own hand. Everyone laughed. Someone told me I don’t always need to go so deep with everything. I could’ve just said Scrabble.

Yesterday my girlfriend and I were at the beach. I said I find as many reasons to hang on as I do to let go. We were lying out on the sand using our books to cover the sun from our eyes. I’ve been reading a book on unrequited love, how it can turn into obsession, which is of course a very different thing from love. I said I’m not surprised it’s already November, I’ve felt every single day of this year. I’m just surprised that all these months have passed and I can still feel like this, that it hasn’t gone away.

We talked about nature. This always comforts me. We go through phases just like the moon. We have our own cycles, a unique rhythm within our bodies. The moon controls the tides. This kind of power makes sense to me. I’ve always been drawn to the ocean. The sun is the only reason we survive. I practice Sun Salutations. Our emotions have their own seasons. Everything is playing out according to a universal law in a game where we don’t know the rules.

Uno is my favorite game, just for the Wild cards. In a whole pack there are only eight. The odds are low in your favor. The Wild card can be whatever you need it to be. It can be used to save you, but only to an extent, only within the law of the game. That’s the thing. There are rules we do know and rules we don’t and somehow we have to align with both. If someone picks up a Wild card it doesn’t mean they’ll use it, they could draw the card and then walk around with it in their pocket for a year.

I don’t think it ever goes away completely, she said, I think eventually it just becomes bearable.

Jennifer ChardonComment