We Are That Thing
Yesterday we bought sandwiches and cupcakes and sat at the beach park in the old airport. I call it Airplane Beach. It reminds me of a Neutral Milk Hotel song. Lately I’ve been trying to listen to songs without lyrics. We talked about life being long, God willing. And we do get over things and life will surprise us. Small comforts make sense.
I’m trying to stick to things that make sense, though I’m more inclined to believe all things are fragile and fleeting and this is harder to make sense of. We like to think we have time, but we only ever get what we get. A friend told me if you have faith it can allow everything to make sense. I light incense and say mantras and believe the universe moves us, as we move it. But this doesn’t always comfort me. Sometimes I want a huge Band-Aid of a boyfriend or a margarita. A good night’s sleep.
I get this feeling sometimes, I tried to explain to a friend over breakfast the other day, I find myself completely overwhelmed by the fact that we have no idea what we are, why any of this exists. I hear a voice that sounds a lot like mine, asking all these big questions and I can’t move. We were at The Coffee Shack. I don’t normally eat eggs but I seem to eat the vegetable omelet every time we go there. I don’t question this, just everything else. The closest thing I can liken it to, I said, is the feeling of being buried alive. I can’t get out.
Sometimes I do get out. I’ve had experiences through meditation that have shown me the mind will never grasp exactly what we are. Because we are the very thing we are trying to comprehend. Everything makes sense, until it doesn’t again. Until I’m having nightmares - which are not actually nightmares - just my late night fully awake thoughts of escape.
In my head I’m always in an airport and it’s always late in a strange timezone. In airports you can drink coffee at any time. I remember sitting in Departures in Delhi for twenty-nine hours once, staring at my wrist collection of bracelets trying to figure out who I was and how I ended up there. I’ve spent a lot of nights not-sleeping in airports. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at flights lately.
A group of us watched the solar eclipse at the beach the other night. This is incredible, I said, we’re watching ourselves.