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We were discussing narcissism. Someone asked me to send a picture. I sent a snap of my feet. He said I have sexy toes. He’s the second person to tell me that this week, although the other one used the term “cute.” We’ve been debating cute vs. sexy. Defining words is important, especially when discussing big things like self and ego.

My ego loved it, the feet comments. I’ve been thinking about this. What I know about identity, how that relates to the ego. Our conditioning. And freedom. How I’m tired of feeling tortured. I’m learning about being Aware. And what that means. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to capitalize “aware.” I’m just learning what it feels like to wake up in the morning and then wake up again and again in the same day.

I started working in a coffee shop yesterday. A customer gave me a jar of homemade lilikoi jam. Coffee in New York is survival. Coffee here is something else. I’m still figuring it out. The coffee grown here in Kona is probably the best coffee I’ve ever had. I’m trying to stop trying to figure everything out. In the shop they have those teeny tiny to-go espresso cups. When I first saw them they reminded me so much of someone, of one random morning, maybe an hour of my life. Our memories are unreliable though, maybe what I thought happened actually didn’t. Sometimes I think I’m just writing the story I want to read. You can see the ocean from the café if you look out the right window. I could be making all this up.

We were looking up our Chinese signs. I already knew mine. Fire, Tiger. I’m all of both. I was once cooking curry with a boyfriend, while I was stirring he held out the bottle of chilly flakes and said, this is you. The label read: Fiery & Hot.

I was talking with someone else about accepting compliments, how hard it is. Learn to say thank you instinctively, for everything, I said. And then go all awkward and weird if you must.

Here is a picture of myself, although it’s not really a picture of myself. It would be better called art or a cliché or a fluke. I had to hunt the girl down, to get her friends’ phone number, to get her then to send me the photo from her iPhone. It was one random snap but I wanted it. Maybe this is how people feel when they take a good ‘selfie.’ This came up in the vanity talk. In Greek mythology it’s kind of a beautiful story, neurotically romantic, a guy who falls in love with his own reflection. Now I’m sure we post pictures, like this one, to show how good our life looks. Which is also just a made up story.

Jennifer ChardonComment